on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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