I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Randomize
