Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
you made out with another girl for some wings
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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