And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
