I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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