At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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