I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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