good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
