He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
