anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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