3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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