i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Randomize
