Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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