I just pynch a tree in the face
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I don't deserve a penis
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
