oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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