duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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