We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Randomize
