I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
