The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
