There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
