I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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