Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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