TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
