Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Randomize
