It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
