would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
