He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize