please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
