just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
