I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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