A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
and eventually we just all took our pants off
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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