I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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