what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
