Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
