Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
