Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
