If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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