I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
