my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I have post one night stand depression
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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