She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I look better un-naked...
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
that may or may not have been my penis.
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