I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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