I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
