I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
