I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
