I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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