Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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