so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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