atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
