so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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