Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
