My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
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He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
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Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
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