Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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