either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
