Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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