do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Randomize
