He asked me if I "almost moaned"
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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