my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
