i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
