Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
