Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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