toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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