We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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