accomplished twins. life is a go
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
