Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
