i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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